What's Left Unsaid
by purple-drake
Summary: [COMPLETE] 'This matchup isn't unexpected, but even now I'm not sure if it's one I'm looking forward to.' Hiei is tired of Mukuro's pushing for answers, but she's not the only one who won't leave him alone... Set in Makai Tournament.


**A/N:** _Warning: rant alert. Unfortunately it kind of explains why this story came into being, so you might want to read it anyway._

_I finished watching the YYH series not long ago, and while I liked the ending in general, there was one major thing that really annoyed me, and still does._

_Hiei, during the final arc. Did anyone else notice that it seems like his character is almost entirely defined by Mukuro, or is it just me? Aside from a few instances in which he interacts with the rest of the gang, it's like the whole relationship dynamic between him and the others is excised out—and it has no bearing whatsoever on his sudden lack of reason to live. Yet somehow, even though she's just a screwed up as he is, Mukuro's got all the answers. What the?_

_I'm aware that, as similar personalities and with similar pasts, it makes sense that they would understand each other fairly well. However, Hiei's got an edge up on Mukuro: he's actually got friends. So why, oh why, did the show see fit to pretend his friendships don't exist? It's like they wanted to even the playing field so Mukuro could be his only reason for living—which is the implication given in the dub._

_I got the impression they wanted to have some romantic action but Keiko wasn't around, so they just dumped in a relationship and expected us to accept it even though we never saw any development for it. And since it's made clear in the previous arc that the friendship between the four boys is fairly strong, they needed to take it out so it wouldn't be a threat to the new 'relationship' between Hiei and Mukuro._

_The Japanese version, at least, makes the relationship a little more ambiguous, but there's still no mention of Hiei's bond with the others._

_This fic explains why. It goes into detail on what's going through Hiei's mind at the time of his battle with Mukuro, drawing off both the dub and the original Japanese (with bits and pieces from earlier volumes of the manga thrown in)._

…_obviously, I don't own YYH, or else I'd've fixed this problem already._

* * *

I wait.

The arena is quiet, but it is not the quiet of emotionless stone; there is still life here, and air, though if I think hard I can imagine the shouts and calls of the audience in the distant city. Somehow I feel it would be more appropriate if I were to fight there, instead of a world apart; there, where the arena is unyielding and life begs for death as it did in the Dark Tournament. Here, it is as though the very surroundings wish to prove something to me.

I don't know if I can stand it.

This match-up wasn't unexpected, but even now I'm not sure if it's one I'm looking forward to. Mukuro and I both understand what it's like to be oppressed, but when she speaks I sometimes feel that she believes I'm an enigma she has to figure out, that some part of me is hiding away. Something she has to find, for her own salvation or for mine, I'm not sure.

It's useless. We're too much alike; we both fight with our anger, with our hate, against the world and what the world has done to us…

"_So that's it, Hiei. It's either work for me as a detective, or you go straight back into your cell, and I can guarantee you there won't be any other chances."_

"_And you'll just take me at my word that I won't betray you? You really are a fool."_

"_It's not your word I'm taking."_

…there's nothing for her to find, it's a simple as that. 

Then why do I still have the feeling that something about this is wrong?

_Because you know it is._

I ignore that niggling voice—why does it sound so much like Kurama?_—_and instead focus on Mukuro as she comes. As I expect, even though the fight has technically started, she begins her inquisition instead.

"Before we have our battle, I'm curious to know. Is your opinion about death still the same as it was before?"

This isn't something I need, not now, not in this place that was chosen to be an advocate for battle yet not death, but I can hardly avoid it, not like she avoids my sword strokes. At least I can deflect it, or maintain what I have since I left Ningenkai with my sister's pendant in hand: that I have no purpose left.

_Only because you refuse to let yourself have one._

I growl inwardly at the voice and throw myself into the fight, hoping to cover it with the struggle, with the inquiry that threatens to bring it back to life.

"I never experienced the joy of being loved…"

"_Why would you stake your freedom on my good will?"_

"_You're my friend, Hiei. Perhaps one day I'll get you to understand what that means."_

* * *

"_Hey man, I never got to thank you for helping me train for this whole tournament thing."_

"_I didn't, fool. It was Kurama."_

"_Yeah, but you helped. Geez, don't you know how to accept thanks?"_

* * *

"_What's so funny?"_

"_You! You're all like 'I don't care', but you came here just to give me a kick in the ass. You're really a big softy, aren't you? Whatever, I'm just glad you've got my back."_

* * *

"_What's wrong?"_

"_Nothing. It's just… that's the kind of advice I can imagine a brother giving their sister."_

"…and so I tried to purge my pain through blood." 

She doesn't buy it, I can see that. In fact it's the opposite—she thinks she's getting closer to the truth.

_What's that supposed to mean, anyway? I don't recall you having killed anyone for no reason… not recently, at least…_

Now I'm hearing the ferrygirl's voice. If I start imagining the fool I think I'll fall on my own sword—and the worst thing is that I can't even blame him for this. It's Mukuro's fault, with all her prying, trying to understand exactly where we're different, but she's more powerful than I am and wouldn't take my threats seriously in any case. Not that Kuwabara ever did.

What in Hell does she want from me, anyway?

_Don't you know? Isn't that why you stayed?_

Now it's the brat. Great. And no, I don't know. I stayed because it was an opportunity.

_You know, for a thief you're a pretty bad liar, Hiei. You have always been good at running away, though. I suppose I should be thankful you didn't run off on Kurama… I really would have regretted bringing you in again, but I'll do it if I have to._

I'm not on probation anymore, brat, you can't bring me in. Leave me alone. I have a battle to fight.

_You're fighting the wrong one._

I ignore the old woman—why am I hearing her, of all people?—and refocus to taunt Mukuro into giving her all, to throw back some of the words she's been hurling at me. Perhaps if I have to fight harder I can get rid of these annoying phantoms, and she'll be too occupied to keep asking me questions.

_It's not going to work…_

The only times I've heard the fox use that singsong tone was when he was feeling particularly smug about being right—_"Of course, just like there's nothing to be feared from the word 'hot', right, Hiei?"—_but this is one time that I have to ignore it, because if the fox is right then that means I'm wrong.

I cannot be wrong. Not this time.

The shock of Mukuro's blow and my tumble down the mountain is enough to shove the voice of that frustrating youko to the back of my head, to find words to reaffirm what I've already said. I fight with hatred, my flames are from Hell. Killing was the only thing that mattered, it's who I am.

_So if it doesn't matter anymore…_

"Don't make me laugh."

_Then what does?_

"It's longing. You want to belong somewhere."

_Yeah, Hiei. Why d'you keep pushing us away if you wanna belong someplace so much?_

Shut up, Detective.

_Hey, I'm not the one in denial here…_

I am not in denial.

"_Hiei-san! I'm glad you came. Kazuma-san said that birthday parties are when you spend time with your friends, and I don't get to see you very often."_

I can't be in denial…

_Hey, man, why're you trying so hard, anyway?_

It's official. If the fool is trying to convince me of something, then I must be in Hell.

_What're you so afraid of that you don't wanna admit?_

I. Am. Not. Afraid.

"_Hey, shrimpy, we're going for a day on the town. Wanna come?"_

* * *

"_Why don't you join us, Hiei? We're practically a family."_

* * *

"_Yanno, I did say that you'd come back right when we needed you…"_

* * *

"_That's the kind of advice I can imagine a brother giving their sister."_

* * *

"_I'm… just a friend of theirs."_

"_Just a friend of theirs."_

"_Just…"_

"_Just a friend."_

Dammit!

Why did that bitch have to push so hard?!

Why couldn't she just leave it alone?

_Because she wants what you have, Hiei. She wants what you're trying to deny. It's what neither of you had when you were young, what you're afraid of admitting you have now. Why is that?_

I can't.

"_Will you at least leave me your name?"_

I don't want to admit it.

"_Just don't take too long, 'kay?"_

If I were worthy of being loved…

"_It's called a birthday present, doofus. It was Kurama's idea."_

…then everything I've endured before now…

"_Oh, you got a present too! Maybe you can be my brother for today, Hiei-san!"_

It was meaningless.

And if it was meaningless, then my entire life is built on a lie: that I am Forbidden, that I'm unlovable.

_And yet you're loved._

I built my life on hate, but somehow the hate's no longer there; what the Hell am I supposed to build it on now? Something has changed, and I can't accept that it has, because I don't know how to live with it.

How does one live with being loved?

"Let's bring this to an end."

Mukuro…

"I don't want to go on fighting you forever."

So that's what you were searching for. We are the same in so many ways, but you saw it, didn't you? You saw what was so different between us. That I was trying to grasp the shards of a life I had unknowingly left behind, instead of facing a future I was too afraid to walk into.

You saw it. And you want it. That's why you keep me around, as though something of what I've learned will rub off on you. Because if I can find friendship… then so can you.

"Apparently it won't do me any good to run away."

It's too late for that now. I spent so much time running, and now you've forced me to stop, you cunning bitch. Because we're alike. Because I thought that I could hide in your shadow, pretend that's how things are, when they aren't. Not anymore.

It's time for me to stop pretending.

And it's time for you to let go as well.

Maybe I don't know how to live with being cared about…

"_Alright fox, what the hell's all this about?"_

"_What's what all about, Hiei?"_

"_This birthday stuff. Don't tell me you told Yukina and the fool that my birthday was today!"_

"_Of course not. I merely suggested that you never told anyone when your birthday was, so while we were celebrating one, we may as well celebrate another at the same time."_

"_But_ why_?"_

"_I still have some work to do on that definition of friendship, I see."_

…but at least I had someone to remove my shackles. It's time that someone removed yours.

"It looks like I'll have to use this."

Because you deserve that chance as well.

"**Dragon of the Darkness Flame!"**

- finis

* * *

**A/N:** _Confusing? Probably. But I figured, Hiei strikes me as the kind to go into denial about the fact that someone cares about him, because if he was worth loving, then why the hell did he get dumped off the Glacial Village?_

_Well, that's his logic, anyway._

_Anyhow, 'nuff talk. Reviews would be loved._


End file.
